Hey everybody, I’m the experiment!

This blog’s theme is “Have fun with it.” Every once in awhile I have to mention it, to remind myself. It came about when I was having a visible panic attack getting ready to public speak. A gentleman standing next to me, also participating who was calm and collected (He bugged me) said, “Just have fun with it.”

Oh-

So, now it is my mantra to try to calm my body when it is reacting to stressful moments mainly to remind me, is this really worth grinding my teeth down to nubs over or losing all my hair? More often my brain’s Limbic system believes it is…

In the present, I seem to hear myself whispering these words often. “Have fun with it. have fun with it, Oh please, have fun with this.” Especially when everyone else is just going about their day, while my heart is pounding, my spit is dry, and I am feeling like a slow moving snake is about to lunge from hidden corners and bite my ankles with those really creepy teeth you see biting in slow motion on National Geographic documentaries, faking, ‘Phff, I do this all the time…’

I jumped.

I jumped so far, that I landed in a science experiment and I am the rat. I jumped so far out of my comfort zone I feel like I am in one of those movies when someone is transported from their life and moved to a strange planet, different era, or different creature. Like I woke up and looked in the mirror and I have a new face.

Part of it is learning to take “the train” alone. Actually I have to take two trains, three subways, then walk four blocks in New York City. Every step, I want to tell someone, “Hey, hello, I’m the science experiment.” But, the rule is you don’t look at anybody in the eye in NYC! But when I do, I send that message to the other person-brain to brain. Of course they can’t tell, as I wrap both arms and both legs around the subway pole, while my purse is crammed to my chest, looking out the window into a blur of graffiti painted walls. No one in the subway looks out the windows! ‘Have fun with it, have fun with it, have fun with it.’

Getting to my destination is like I completed a marathon as I put my arms up high, fists pumping the air, hearing the cheers. A surge of smelly sweat floods my arm pits, and my spit decides it is time now to flow…profusely. I hope those scientists are watching because I strut into the lab like I am something tough.

Then a thought crosses my mind. ‘I eventually have to go home.’ I rush to the bathroom and throw up.

Scratch scratch, ‘Interesting data’…says the scientist observing me in this new strange existence…

 

 

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